These days have been a monumental exercise in self control from not lingering in bed to saying no to beer (flaking on the food front, all things being said) and doing my best to be patient and keeping my feelings in check as well as enticing my monkey mind to be in the present and not tormenting myself with things past nor indulge in delusional thoughts of things which may never come.
The only thing that is absolutely real is the here and now, even if it is a tad... difficult.
It has been particularly hard preventing my thoughts from traveling to the dark, torturous wasteland that is speculation; this particular bit has taken continuous effort but I think there was a certain level of success achieved even if my tummy is still in a knot and I have this tremendous sense of loss and sadness.
It will pass.
In this ever changing universe not pain nor joy are permanent.
It is a healthy habit -I think- to deny oneself certain wants and desires for it makes us stronger as well serving as a reminder to value what we do have rather than wanting the next thing.
We should not give way to every whim as not everything our heart desires is a wise want.
No matter how desolate a situation might seem, how crestfallen one feels, how lovely it would be to reach out and connect, how happy one would feel, searching for a connection is not a wise desire that will bring any happiness or the results one hopes for.
This is a clear situation in which one must show self restraint... or repression?
A friend of mine remarked precisely that: I have a tendency to repress my feelings and desires thus negating myself what I really TRULY want. While there undoubtedly was a self serving intention to his comment, I couldn't help but (inwardly) agree a little with him.
So the question is: what is the difference between repression and self control?
I believe that repression is suppressing the emotion and self restraint is managing it.
it would be an absolute repression of my feelings if I would lie to myself and try to convinced me that I do not reach out because I don´t care or I am too busy/ uninterested yet I choose to see the reality of things, be brutally honest and manage my emotions by accepting that it is the OTHER party who probably does not care and is too busy/ uninterested.
I manage, manage all day long and I will be a better, stronger human being at the end of it all.
This post does not make sense, but I feel better after unloading this cart full of sentimental crap.