Corny CorneliaPosted by Gala Mon, November 07, 2016 07:45:24
That is the morse-like code of my life right now.
Everything is going well health wise, found how to remove a HUGE roadblock in my business. I am at ease with my one woman show and embracing my chosen singlehood, (Wrap it up, people! Nothing to see here! Move ít along!) starting to poke my head out of shell again and going out (about to, anyway... )
So so life is... good but testy
testing my patience & endurance, my tolerance, pushing my buttons and driving me to my limits.
Life is a pushy bi*ch.
Ranting / RavingPosted by Gala Wed, November 02, 2016 20:20:57
What at a huge, hard, exasperating, wonderful Wednesday it has been.
A tremendous breakthrough/roadblock presented itself
Today I was reminded to read the signs, all answers are provided if one is mindful.
What a day.
what an eventful end of what started as a super crappy 24 lonely, sad, "I have been forgotten and left sidelined and forever waiting for a thing that will probably never come" hours.
what a bloody brilliant day!
Ranting / RavingPosted by Gala Tue, November 01, 2016 11:17:13
the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
djust your behavior
• A feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.
• Verb [ with obj. ] informal
make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something:
Guilt is one damned powerful force.
It can be the motor of great achievements, the source of great pain or the reason behind great loses.
Everything great, nothing modest, no middle way.
I am in a hyperbole type of mood today
Guilt can be the reason to work out hard at the gym after having waaaay too much cake.
Guilt can make you be extra charitable to less fortunate people compensate for a decadent, useless purchase.
It can make us be extra nice when we have been mean or work extra hard when we have been slacking.
Guilt can can make us grow as a human beings or it can stump any possibility of development.
Guilt can be a learning tool or a life sentence.
We all have the capacity to direct the raging power of guilt... but it takes will and work; desire; awareness.
There are several types of guilt, I think.
1. "Compensational" guilt
Whatever your personal "naughty" scale may be, you have been slightly bad. You have the need to do little acts of contrition to feel better about yourself.Key words: PAY BACK
2. Ego fueled guilt
This is an interesting one.
You have lead yourself to believe that in the micro cosmos which (you think) circles around you, you have the power to deeply and permanently affect those satellites surrounding your orbit and you are a demi-god who holds the absolute power of right and wrong; happiness and despair; love and hate.
You may be a total egomaniac.
I would have that checked.Key word. DELUSION3. Religious guilt
you are screwed.
You have probably been indoctrinated from the womb and unless you are a true rebel or all of a sudden develop the skill to question the powers at be, you will likely drown in the bitter waters of guilt.Key words: DOUBT & QUESTION
4. Educational guilt
This is the most positive and beneficial of all.
Ok, so you messed up... big time or maybe it was not such a huge deal but you are certainly NOT happy with yourself.
In a ideal state of full awareness you have evaluated your behavior and its consequences, thus confirming that you were not up to code with your personal ethics.
Now you need to make a choice:
a) Learn from it
Analyze what lead you to that situation, look within you o find the true reasons for your choices.
Adjust your behavior accordingly.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, forgive yourself and move on with the newly acquired knowledge.Key word: GROWTH
b) Ignore it
Bury yourself in any and all distractions to quiet our conscience.
Pretend you are over it, put it in the back oven.
Harden your heart, treat yourself roughly and hope for the best.Key word: DENIAL
which will probably give way to:5. Perennial Self flagellating guilt
This is a sad one, awful, really.
So, again: you messed up.
There is no forgiveness or compassion from that very hard, mean judge living in your head and corrupting your heart.
YOU F*cked up.
YOU must pay... it can be weeks, months.
Could be the rest of your life.
There is a tiny little part of you which may even enjoy renouncing to all joys this brief little life has to offer, because you have convinced yourself you do NOT deserved it.
You may be feeding the masochist in you.
You may be feeding the martyr.Key wordS: LOSS, DISPAIR & HOPELESSNESS
So you feel you brought pain or sadness to somebody's life and you must forever pay and deny yourself any possibility of happiness because you failed (who you failed? nobody is really sure)
You feel you are not worthy and the irony is that, by maltreating yourself, you are affecting the people around you.
From the hopeful to the inner circle.
Every single person is being mercilessly whipped by that self righteous cane you have decided to punish yourself with.
The question is: are you avoiding potential happiness and the hardships it may entail? are you flogging yourself because you have an unrealistic standard? Do you not think you are important enough to put yourself before other people or maybe you think you are so important that you must carry the weight of everybody's sorrow?
Can you find the compassion to forgive yourself, accept that Human Beings make mistakes and what makes us great is to actually LEARN from them as opposed to getting stuck in the unchangeable, immovable past?
In any case, this is not a good, healthy, wholesome place to be.
I think we all have experienced it.
It brings NOTHING to the table: not to the offended, not to yourself, not to the people you care about.
Let us bring happiness to the world by allowing ourselves to be happy! Let us not fester in sadness, denial and self reproach!THE PAST HAS PAST
So the point of it all is: We may die tomorrow and what would we have left?
GUILT? do we really want that
to be our legacy?
Do we want the people left behind to remember us for the amount of guilt and self denial we endured?
Do we want to lose the possibility of true love because we are punishing ourselves over times past?
Corny CorneliaPosted by Gala Mon, October 31, 2016 06:59:37
No candy, no party, no costumes.
Hate being a grown up on Halloween.
Ranting / RavingPosted by Gala Sun, October 23, 2016 21:28:59
These days have been a monumental exercise in self control from not lingering in bed to saying no to beer (flaking on the food front, all things being said) and doing my best to be patient and keeping my feelings in check as well as enticing my monkey mind to be in the present and not tormenting myself with things past nor indulge in delusional thoughts of things which may never come.
The only thing that is absolutely real is the here and now, even if it is a tad... difficult.
It has been particularly hard preventing my thoughts from traveling to the dark, torturous wasteland that is speculation; this particular bit has taken continuous effort but I think there was a certain level of success achieved even if my tummy is still in a knot and I have this tremendous sense of loss and sadness.
It will pass.
In this ever changing universe not pain nor joy are permanent.
It is a healthy habit -I think- to deny oneself certain wants and desires for it makes us stronger as well serving as a reminder to value what we do have rather than wanting the next thing.
We should not give way to every whim as not everything our heart desires is a wise want.
No matter how desolate a situation might seem, how crestfallen one feels, how lovely it would be to reach out and connect, how happy one would feel, searching for a connection is not a wise desire that will bring any happiness or the results one hopes for.
This is a clear situation in which one must show self restraint... or repression?
A friend of mine remarked precisely that: I have a tendency to repress my feelings and desires thus negating myself what I really TRULY want. While there undoubtedly was a self serving intention to his comment, I couldn't help but (inwardly) agree a little with him.
So the question is: what is the difference between repression and self control?
I believe that repression is suppressing the emotion and self restraint is managing it.
it would be an absolute repression of my feelings if I would lie to myself and try to convinced me that I do not reach out because I don´t care or I am too busy/ uninterested yet I choose to see the reality of things, be brutally honest and manage my emotions by accepting that it is the OTHER party who probably does not care and is too busy/ uninterested.
I manage, manage all day long and I will be a better, stronger human being at the end of it all.
This post does not make sense, but I feel better after unloading this cart full of sentimental crap.
Corny CorneliaPosted by Gala Thu, October 20, 2016 22:11:17
Last August I visited the Monastery for the 4th time.
Every visit had been under very difficult personal situations when I needed solitude, guidance and a royal kick in the bum to realign my priorities and clear my head from all that clutter and nonsense i tend to pile up.
This time it was different, so very different, for you see, I was (am) in a really good place in my life. Business is going well, have a safe roof over my head, good friends; loads of fun plans and projects, great health, excellent physical shape; I was not getting over or excited about anybody; no heartache no pain.
This time around I was an empty vessel, receptive to many and all lessons to be learned... I didn't learn them all but I was damned receptive and it was absolutely wonderful, very humbling, did tons and tons of introspective work and for the first time EVER I managed to meditate. Very, very exciting and peaceful all at in one.
There were many dawning moments, full awareness and ever so present in the moment; while my demons are still there, I have befriended many of them and some others remain to be worked on, but all is very good work.
One of the many realizations I have come to is that I have forever fomented and instigated my singlehood simply because I do like being by myself and I don't want to "sell out" just for the sake of companionship. I don't want to lose my freedom however I would be willing to share it with somebody I consider to extraordinary and at this stage of my life I have embraced the fact that probably that Extraordinary Man wont cross my path (or wont stay if he does cross it) and after all these wise considerations, lo and behold! I have come to the happy conclusion that am fine with it! I still go into a frenzy from time to time, in fact, I am kind of at the end tail of a particularly strong one and waiting to see the results, but at the end of the day, even if it is a NO GO, I know I will be over it and I will resume my happy One Woman Show.
While I accept this noble truth of "oneness", the romantic in me will probably never give up on the idea of love and every now and then my heart is aflutter with the subsequent despair (last somewhat pathetic blogs may illustrate this point rather clearly) however, the realistic intellectual side prevails and while I do not close the door to possibilities I am much more attentive and cautious than I was years ago, when I though I could not "do without".
I can indeed "do without" and quite well, if I may say so myself! so I can only imagine the potential if there was the right mix, but that mix is as elusive as the elixir of eternal youth.
Y vuelve la burra al trigo! back to the same tired subject! EVERY BLOODY TIME!
Monstery, the schedule below..
Not 1 single moment of comfort, NOT ONE.
Stone bed, wooden pillow, chose to have 1 meal a day as I knew it would be coming on day 8... skipped tea as well... AND chores too! that was pretty bad of me, but I need the rebel in me to have a voice.
Chairs in the dinning hall are hellish, savage mosquitoes closely related to bats; spiders, bugs, scorpions, snakes, frogs, salamanders all found outside and inside the room, which had no chair, table or superfluous articles.
Communal cleansing wrapped in a sarong, washing with one hand, pouring coldish water with a little basin; the Thai sun and heat and rain. The physical pain in all joints was forever present, but that is my age, not the monastery.
There are many a lesson in patience, acceptance, humbleness.
Needless to say there are no mirrors, it was quite strange to see my face at the airport after 12 days. It is not necessarily that I forgot what I looked like, but the old, at ease and at peace, tired and content woman looking back at me seemed... vaguely familiar, but did not feel like it was me.
The best part? The Silence
No talking, not hearing anybody talk, just the teachings and my thoughts.
I love Silence.
|(With some modifications on Day 9 and Day 10)
*** = Monastery bell
||Yoga / Exercise - Mindfulness in motion
||Dhamma talk & Sitting meditation
||Breakfast & Chores
||Walking or standing meditation
||Lunch & chores
||Meditation instruction & Sitting meditation
||Walking or standing meditation
||Chanting & Loving Kindness meditation
||Tea & hot springs
||Group walking meditation
(the gates will be closed at 21.15)
|Random nonsensePosted by Gala Tue, October 18, 2016 23:02:31
I think I am done with my little pity party.
It might be time to count my romantic loses and move on. My quota of drama, neglect and nonsense has been filled.
How tiring and mono thematic I am being lately! I have so much going on and so much going for me and I flatly refuse to be limited to this one sad, recurring little topic.
Had to grade about 270 students... grading means I have to know their names, nicknames, faces, last names. More importantly, grading means revenge.
(maniacal evil laughter)
I would never allow personal opinions to weigh on a child's grade.
Report cards are a serious and Important matter to me and, albeit tough, I am fair with my students.
Random nonsensePosted by Gala Sun, October 16, 2016 19:14:58
A little bit of advice: if you are hurting due to unrequited, unattended, vague, confusing, non committal or any unpleasant, painful side of this ridiculous cosmic joke called love, avoid at all costs
the movie Serendipity.
It won't matter if you went shopping, got yourself new shoes, sweaters and jeans; the fact that you fitted into a smaller size will be uneventful; it wont really make a difference that handsome old flame -who you have been putting off for weeks- shows up at your doorstep unannounced.
No matter what happens you shall remain devastated.
Hollywood does horrible things to romantic people.
Can hardly wait to have my munchkins tomorrow, some of my favorite classes and my volunteer gig should definitely lifts my spirits... that and wearing those super cute new shoes